I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards