[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Body by Oreos
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
#Caturday
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.