When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.