I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.