I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.