It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
why no one uses midhusbands
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle