Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣