Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I have never related to anyone more.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I didn’t come here to be called names
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.