I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?