My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
We all have our pet causes.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Trains are just sideway elevators.