The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
What’s so funny?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Fiction has to make sense.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.