Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
finally found a reasonable question
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes