your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
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Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me