I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
In space, no one can hear…
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something