Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*weighs self after shaving
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal