“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
You Might Also Like
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Room with a view.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk