My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Does beer think about me too?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?