i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS