We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you