Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
This is Sparta
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Best table by far
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.