Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.