It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.