The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.