I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
How to draw a duck
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.