Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
You Might Also Like
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Guy who likes music
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.