Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
You Might Also Like
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.