M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today