[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
May never get over this
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*