*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.