I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind