You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.