After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how