I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
getting old is fun
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Good morning y’all ☀️
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Not messing around
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<