I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Not today. 😅
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“What movie?” 🤔
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Pretty much! 😂👀