I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope