*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My love language is hissing.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Good dog. ❤️
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.