I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
You Might Also Like
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids