R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.