It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
New mindset, who dis?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”