Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
When news reporters do sports stories
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.