Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The Others (2001)
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend