I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)