Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her