Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
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You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Noah
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.