Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
man: wait
time: no
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.