I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
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Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.