You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Poetry is my passion
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
#FunnyLife Insects
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Beware of the dog..
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot