Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*