If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair