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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
had to make it
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“I FIXED IT!”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant